PLEASURE OVER MATTER

“I TOLD MYSELF THAT IF FOREVER DIDN’T WORK IN OUR FAVOR, I WOULD BE SATISFIED WITH A MOMENT. DIDN’T MATTER IF IT LAST FOR 6 MONTHS OR 7 DAYS. TO FEEL YOU IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE WOULD BE WORTH THE CRASH. AT LEAST I’D KNOW WHAT HEAVEN FELT LIKE BEFORE BURNING IN HELL.”


These are thoughts I have late at night just before falling asleep. Sometimes I ask myself is it normal to be okay with things that are temporary. Things that you know will send you into a frenzy once it’s all said and done. Things that feel so good, but hurt so bad at the same time. My answer is yes.

Over the years my perception of relationships has changed drastically. The need for a fairytale/happy ending has faded. Not because I’ve lost hope, but because I would rather take in the moments as they come rather than obsess over what isn’t part of the image I’ve created in my head. 

Right now there is someone in my life that is very significant to me, and probably will be for the rest of my life. However, if this isn’t where forever lies, that’s okay. The way I will cope afterward is my least concern. I’m tuned into how every touch feels brand new. How my pulse speeds up seconds before seeing his face. Or the way he reflects parts of me that I haven’t grown into just yet. I find happiness in his laughter. The way he smiles while telling a joke is priceless. Energy exchanges can last for weeks on end. Relief is found in his arms when life gets to be too much. Natural highs are provided when his lips are pressed against mine. I can keep spilling onto this entry, but I’m saying this to say I don’t want to deprive myself of the simple pleasures listed above.

Moments turn into memories that will last forever. At least for me it does. The intensity I feel today is far more important than a tomorrow I’m not sure I’ll even get. This type of emotional involvement does wonders for my creativity. I would be crazy to turn away from something that taps into my right brain. And for the conventional women in the back — this ain’t about settling either. It’s about not shying away from my deepest truths, you know? Fuck being afraid to talk about shit that might have people giving me the side eye. I’ve picked my poison. It’s beautiful. Whats yours?